The 'Middle Wife' by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher

I’ve been teaching now for about fifteen years. I
have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw
in my own second grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell.
So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get
over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in
pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like
that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them.
If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they’re
welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright,
very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the
class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant.
‘This is Luke, my baby brother, and I’m going to tell you about his
birthday.’

‘First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their
love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom’s stomach, and Luke grew in
there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.’

She’s standing there with her hands on the pillow,
and I’m trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me.
The kids are watching her in amazement.

‘Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying
and going, ‘Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!’ Erica puts a hand behind her back and
groans. ‘She walked around the house for, like an hour, ‘Oh, oh, oh!’
(Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

‘My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies,
but she doesn’t have a sign on the car like the Domino’s man. They got
my Mom to lie down in bed like this.’ (Then Erica lies down with her
back against the wall.)

‘And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept
in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all
over the bed, like psshhheew!’
(This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water
flowing away. It was too much!)

‘Then the middle wife starts saying ‘push, push,’ and
‘breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten.
Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky
stuff that they all said it was from Mom’s play-center,
(placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got
out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there.’

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and
returned to her seat. I’m sure I applauded the loudest.. Ever since
then, when it’s show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case
another ‘Middle Wife’ comes along.

  • Heidi

    That is hilarious. I can so see that happening.